Truth and lies in the Kingdom of Catlovers: A grim fairy tale

[Remedios Varo, "Cats Paradise," 1955]

Once upon a time, in a land not far from here, King Leo the Thirty-Fourth ruled over the Kingdom of Catlovers. Everybody who lived in the Kingdom loved cats. They loved black cats, gray cats, yellow cats, and white cats; striped cats, spotted cats, fluffy cats, and sleek cats.

Some people thought cats should be allowed outside. Some people thought cats should be kept inside. Sometimes those people argued politely with one another, but everybody knew that everybody loved cats.

Alas, as usually happens, King Leo the Thirty-Fourth grew old and then older. One day, everyone knew, he would die, and then his eldest son would become king. There was a problem, though. His firstborn son was a twin - and nobody in the kingdom could remember which twin was born first. "Let the people choose," King Leo the Thirty-Fourth decreed. "It might have been Felix. It might have been Wiley. Which twin do you want for your ruler?"

To help the people choose, Felix and Wiley began walking from village to village, talking to everyone they met. "I love cats," said Felix. "I love cats," said Wiley. "Well," said the people, "that's no help. We all love cats."

"I want all cats to have a happy home," said Felix. "I am sad when I see cats living in alleys and under bushes. Some of those cats look very hungry. Some of those cats are sick. I will give them food and medicine. I will help them find homes." The people clapped and cheered, because they all wanted cats to have happy homes too.

"I want all cats to be safe," said Wiley. "I am sad when I see cats that live in alleys and under bushes. Some of them have been killed by coyotes, run over by oxcarts, and forced to eat disgusting rats. I will get rid of the coyotes. I will build bridges over the major oxcart routes. I will make sure no homeless cat has to eat rats." The people clapped and cheered, because they all wanted cats to be safe too.

[Engraving, Paris, 1880]

But the people weren't sure whether they preferred Felix or Wiley. They asked a wizard to help them choose, and he decided Wiley should be the next king. The very next day, King Leo the Thirty-Fourth died, and Wiley was crowned king of the Kingdom of Catlovers.

Now in the Kingdom of Catlovers there were ten Town Criers. These were people who ran through the streets of every village, telling the villagers what was happening in the whole kingdom. Some of the Town Criers were happy that Wiley was now king. Some were sad that Felix was not. But all ten of them loudly proclaimed, "King Leo the Thirty-Fourth is dead. Long live King Wiley the First!"

Oddly, one of the Town Criers added a few words to his proclamation. "Long live King Wiley the First," he said, "the first choice of all the people!" That was not true, but it made King Wiley's friends happy. It made King Wiley happy too.

"Everybody in the Kingdom of Catlovers loves me," said Wiley. "They do not love Felix."

Right away, King Wiley got busy. As promised, he had bridges built over the major oxcart routes. Unfortunately, the bridge-builders had never built bridges before. Many of the bridges quickly fell down, and some cats were pinned under them. The ten Town Criers ran through the streets again.

One of them said, "King Wiley is using bridges as weapons to kill cats." That was not true, but some of King Wiley's enemies believed it.

Two of them said, "King Wiley has built all the bridges he promised." That was true, but it was not the whole story.

Six of them said, "King Wiley has built all the bridges he promised. Half of them have collapsed. The number of cats being killed by oxcarts has not changed. The number of cats killed by falling bridges has increased." That was true.

One of them said, "King Wiley has built all the bridges he promised, and now no cats are being killed by oxcarts!" That was not true, but it made King Wiley's friends happy. It made King Wiley happy too.

"No cats are being killed," said Wiley. "If any cats are being killed, Felix is doing it. Seventy percent of the Town Criers are liars."

The people began to take sides for and against the bridge project.

[Charles Livingston Bull, 1911]

Next, as promised, King Wiley went after the rats. He sent soldiers to every village to spread rat poison wherever rats were known to gather. Soon the streets and alleys were full of dead and dying rats. The ten Town Criers again took to the streets.

One of them said, "King Wiley is using rat poison to kill cats." That was not true, but some of King Wiley's enemies believed it.

Two of them said, "King Wiley has killed most of the rats in the Kingdom of Catlovers." That was true, but it was not the whole story.

Six of them said, "King Wiley has killed most of the rats in the Kingdom of Catlovers. The villages stink, and homeless cats have little to eat. Some cats eat poisoned rats, and then those cats die too. Some cats die of starvation." That was true.

One of them said, "King Wiley has destroyed the rats, as promised, and our beloved cats are now eating well!" That was not true, but it made King Wiley's friends happy. It made King Wiley happy too.

"Nobody helps cats more than I do," said Wiley. "Nobody. Especially not Felix. Felix thinks cats should eat rats. Even poisoned rats. Felix is a cat poisoner. Seventy percent of the Town Criers are liars."

The people began to take sides for and against the rat eradication project.

And then something dreadful happened. Coyotes no longer had rats to eat, so they started eating cats. First they ate all the remaining homeless cats. The ten Town Criers ran through the streets with the news.

One of them said, "King Wiley has killed all the cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers." That was not true, but some of King Wiley's enemies believed it.

Two of them said, "There are no more homeless cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers." That was true, but it was not the whole story.

Six of them said, "All the homeless cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers are dead. Some died when they were injured by oxcarts and falling bridges. Some died when they ate poisoned rats. Some died when they could not find enough food. The rest were killed by coyotes." That was true.

One of them said, "Cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers are no longer in any danger!" That was not true, but it made King Wiley's friends happy. It made King Wiley happy too.

"I have ended cat homelessness," said Wiley. "Your cats are now safe. If Felix were king, your streets would still be swarming with dangerous homeless cats. Seventy percent of the Town Criers are liars."

[Jan Steen, "Argument over a Card Game," 1665]

Many of the people in the Kingdom of Catlovers turned against the Town Criers.

"Why do you tell lies about our great king?" some asked the Town Criers who spread bad news. "You must not like cats. We are happy that there are no more homeless cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers."

"We are only reporting the facts," the Town Criers said.

"You are biased," replied King Wiley's friends.

"You should move to the Kingdom of Rattlesnakes," said Wiley. "You should take Felix with you."

Meanwhile, the well-fed coyotes married and produced baby coyotes. The baby coyotes were hungry, and there were no more homeless cats to eat. So the grown-up coyotes raided people's yards and grabbed outdoor cats from happy homes. Soon there were no more outdoor cats. Most of them had been eaten. Some had joined the indoor cats. 

The number of coyotes continued to increase. They were still hungry, and they were also smart. They figured out how to open doors and windows. They sneaked into people's homes, grabbed the indoor cats, and fed them to their pups. Soon there were no more indoor cats.

Once again the Town Criers delivered the news. This time all ten of them agreed:

"There are no more cats in the Kingdom of Catlovers," they sadly proclaimed. "Hungry coyotes are roaming the streets. King Wiley has disappeared. Felix will be crowned tomorrow." That was true.

One of them added, "This would never have happened if people had only listened to us." That might have been true, but one never knows.

On the day he was crowned, this is what King Felix said to his people:

"I share your sorrow about what has happened in the Kingdom of Catlovers. I know we all love cats - black cats, gray cats, yellow cats, and white cats; striped cats, spotted cats, fluffy cats, and sleek cats. Some of us prefer inside cats and some of us prefer outside cats, but we can work together for the good of all cats.

"As my first official act, I shall adopt a dozen fertile cats from neighboring kingdoms. Let us all join hands and begin anew.

"And please, my fellow Catlovers, let us stop talking about biased Town Criers. Let us simply look for the truth: the whole truth, and nothing but the truth."

Nine Town Criers ran through the streets reading the king's message to people who could not attend his coronation.

One Town Crier said nothing. Some say she sneaked out of town while King Felix was speaking. That may be true.

The End

[Cat drawing used by permission of https://clipartxtras.com]